On Being a Queen

In which I give gifts

2011-08-09T14:45:00.004-06:00

Ah, there is nothing like true love!

And cool things! I have cool things to share with you all today.

To my poet-friends and anyone who has an eye for art, I present Book Spine Poetry. This would be a fun date: just take a trip to the library and stack books to make heartfelt poetry! I am going to make some of my own and post them here soon.

To my writer-friends and anyone who likes learning new things, I present the objective correlative. This is a technique to improve the show-don't-tell descriptions of emotions in your writing. It is a fairly simple concept but one that we forget all too often.

To my stargazing friends, I present the 2011 Perseid Meteor Shower. I will be attempting to watch for shooting stars around the full moon this weekend. Also, who else loves that there is a website called Space.com?

To my readers in general, I present this amazing SF nerdtastic music video. Enjoy!

Science Fiction For The Win!

2011-07-28T17:51:00.014-06:00

I have done pretty much nothing but consume lots and lots of media since I finished my thesis for the summer. I've been reading blogs, books, short stories, and I've been watching old TV shows and movies, and I've been looking at magazines and fun websites, and naught else! (Although, I did attend a writing conference and a book conference in the interim.) But do you know what I have discovered this summer?

SCIENCE FICTION IS AMAZING! GBRTIFLBT! (that is the sound of my awe)

Not that I didn't already know this, but I have become a 100% SF nerd. Nay, geek. Nay, aficionado. Nay, back to geek. Geek-nerd. It makes my life so much more wonderful! More gbrtiflbt! (probably pronounced gibbertiflibbet)

This is how I react to science fiction. Squee!

That picture was taken after 4 hours of standing in line for the Grand Opening of Star Tours at Disneyland. Yeah: geek-nerd. I know.

It all started last summer, when the Gramps and I drove to Colorado to visit home. Every evening at 7pm in Colorado, the local PBS channel airs a Star Trek: The Original Series episode.

We reach.

The whole family gathers around the HDTV to watch and laugh and quote. We decide who is more like Spock (me), and who is more like McCoy (Mom), and who is more like Kirk (baby sister). Old-school Star Trek is at once ridiculous and awesome. There's no other way to explain it.

Also, Scotty is so handsome. And Scottish. Imagine that.

Don't. Insult. The Enterprise.

So I started watching Star Trek. Did you know that all Star Trek episodes, from all 5 TV incarnations, are available for free online? Yeah. And the wonderful Provo Library has all the Star Trek movies. There goes my life, down the drain. But it's all for a good cause!

Good Causes, Exhibit A: Wesley Crusher

*sigh* Like I said, it's all for a good cause (and yes, occasionally for a handsome one). As Ray Bradbury put it, all science fiction is metaphor. It explores what it means to be human, to live and die, to strive and fail. I would extend this to all speculative fiction, be it fantasy, dystopia, steampunk, etc. After all, did not the U.S. government just compare The Lord of the Rings to the debt crisis? That is because the story is built like an extended metaphor, just as most of our myths and legends are. SF for the win!

So, yes, I like Star Trek (I even found a hidden tribble in the 2009 movie). Yes, I like Star Wars (which is space fantasy, not science fiction, but that is a blog post unto itself). Yes, I like Ray Bradbury, H.G. Wells, and Jules Verne. Yes, I know the Three Laws of Robotics. Yes, I enjoyed Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weis's Dragonlance books and I have Jurassic Park and Ghostbusters memorized and I have watched Peter Jackson's documentaries on the making of The Hobbit.

I can't wait for the Unexpected Journey!

Because, you know what? I am concerned about things like time, existence, futility, and godhood. I want to be a better person and to make the world a better place. And I believe that science fiction is the perfect laboratory for experimenting with the questions of humanity. We can learn from the mistakes that we never made and stop ourselves when we have gone too far. We can exist within our time by exploring other times. I like speculative fiction for that.

And, yes, it never hurts when there are lovable (aka crush-able) characters, either. Science fiction just feels like home, and home is where I want to be.

Toni out.

The way of an eagle in the air

2011-06-27T19:36:00.003-06:00

I am feeling hopelessly romantic this evening because I just came across this scripture in Proverbs:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.

So poetic! And speaking of an eagle in the air...

This is a golden eagle swooping down over my head at the Hogle Zoo bird show. The show is definitely my most favorite part of the zoo.

Enjoy!

Deep and Interesting: Two for the Price of One!

2011-06-20T19:50:00.005-06:00

Today's post has two important things: a deep thought, and a piece of information that will make you a bit smarter than you were when you woke up this morning.

DEEP THOUGHT

I work as an editor, so I spend a lot of my time with words. I wrestle with commas and modifiers and typesetting and irate authors. But every once in a while, I come across a grammatical debate that reveals how we as a society view the universe. Last week, the debate was over "who" and "that." You probably never notice when you use "who" compared to when you use "that." The rule of thumb has typically been to use "who" when referring to people and "that" when referring to things. See here:

I wanted to go to the store with someone who would buy me a new red dress.

I went to the store to buy a new red dress that would look good on me.

Yes, people often mess this up. Usually, they use "that" to refer to people. The rules seem pretty straightforward. However, I work with manuscripts on animals and insects and plants. What should we use then? If we use "who," are we putting plants and animals on the same level as humans?

There's a scary thought.

If we use "that," are we categorizing them as things? Consensus among usage experts is that "who" is sometimes used for animals. Sometimes? What does that even mean?

And what would happen if we were writing about robots? What about Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation? He acts like a human, but he is not a flesh-and-blood human.

There are so many fuzzies! I did not know that my position as an editor involved dissecting worldviews and universe-ending paradoxes! Be careful what you write because you never know what message you are really sending.

If you are wondering, I chose to use "who" to refer to the stonefly detritivores in the paper I was editing. When I read the sentence to my boss, she said that she was picturing little sentient stoneflies with faces beaming up at her. (We were later horrified when the paper read, "For tests, individuals were sacrificed.")

INTERESTING TIDBIT

No more universe problems. Instead, I'm going to introduce you to the palimpsest. The palimpsest is something that authors use. Knowing about palimpsest will probably make your reading experiences so much more valuable!

Historically, the palimpsest is a piece of vellum (animal skin [I swear I'm not going back to the DEEP THOUGHT here]) that monks would use to write on. But the palimpsest is no ordinary vellum. It had already been written on. To conserve writing materials, monks would scrape the ink off of obsolete documents and use them again. However, the ink had often sunk deep into the pores of the vellum and would reappear within a few years. Thus, we can now read two documents on the same page.

Now, that is interesting and all, but the best is yet to come. The term "palimpsest" nowadays refers to the use of an older text to illuminate a new text.

Huck Finn wants to illuminate, too!

Let me provide an example: in A Dance for Three, the main character is a pregnant teenager in a mental facility. In the story, she reads The Scarlet Letter. Both books focus on forgiveness as one of their central themes, and they also follow similar storylines. Louise Plummer, the author of Dance, used a classic novel to illuminate the meaning of her book, to point to the theme of forgiveness. Palimpsest.

Usually, the other text is not blatantly referred to in the book. This makes it more interesting to read through and try to recognize what story is being used for illumination. Can you think of any palimpsests? It's often when you go, "Hey, this reminds me of...."

Voila! Treasures beyond imagining!

And there you are: you are smarter than when you got up. Go forth and use thy new knowledge!

In which my mind splodes

2011-06-16T22:13:00.006-06:00

Long time, no see! In the span of time since my last post, I have traveled the world (or at least, southwestern United States), turned in a draft of my thesis, attended a writing conference, and discovered a mind-boggling literary connection! I will deal with these exciting things in that order.

1. In May, I went home for baby sister Ashley's high school graduation. She led the tassel turn; thus, it was made of awesome.

She is a lot smarter than she looks in this photograph.

But before that sensational ceremony, Grandpa (my travel buddy) and I got diverted to Phoenix, Arizona. Flight cancellation blah blah blah. Moving on.

After graduation, we drove to Ogden for my cousin's wedding open house, which was very lovely. I wore purple. Like an old woman.

Then, (and this is the most important part) we drove to Disneyland! More on that forthcoming, but here is a teaser.

2. Draft #1 went out and came back, so now revisions revisions revisions for draft #2!

3. I have been attending WIFYR (Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers conference) this week. My forearms hurt from all the driving back-and-forth to Sandy, but my brain is sploding with awesome ideas! Which leads me to my next point...

4. Oh. My. Gosh. Charlotte's Web is the Lady of Shalott.

This requires some explaining. I came upon this idea while reading Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem, "The Lady of Shalott," in between sessions at the conference today. I have a secret project that I am working on which involves the Lady herself. Anyhoo, I couldn't help but notice that whenever Tennyson mentions the Lady's weaving, he calls it a web.

There she weaves by night and day,

A magic web with colors gay.

Essentially, the Lady sits in front of a mirror all day and weaves the reflections that she sees. She has been cursed to always weave, to always view the world through the mirror. What a terrible view! Eventually, she cries, "I am half-sick of shadows." She finally leaves the mirror to look out on the world with her own eyes. And then, she dies.

So, Charlotte. She weaves what she sees. "Some pig!" She must stay in the shadows. When she finally leaves the barn to go to the fair with Wilbur, she dies. And...Shalott....Charlotte.... Very mysterious. No? Food for thought.

Dream Jobs

2011-05-16T16:46:00.004-06:00

Ah, the lazy days of summer. My June deadline doth speedily approach, so what am I doing? That's right. I'm blogging.

But it's for a good reason, I assure you. One year from now, I will be (hopefully) done with graduate school. What then? I read a recent article that said 85% of college grads move back home. 85 freaking percent! I hatehatehate being "just like everybody else," so naturally, I don't want to be part of the 85%. Traditionally, one is expected to get a job after graduation, usually one related to your educational focus. Yeah. Right. Like those jobs are really going to open up to new grads at the exact-right moment next April. However, they are fun to think about.

Here are my dream jobs:

1. Full-time novelist. What! Okay, that one was super obvious.

2. Adaptation screenwriter. I would love to try my hand at adapting books to the screen! Especially this little gem...

3. Editorial staff at Walden Media. I just love these guys! I was especially impressed by the president and co-founder, Michael Flaherty, when he gave a BYU forum address.

4. Editorial staff at Disney-Hyperion. They have a Youtube channel. Just saying.

5. Writing instructor at Oxford. Gotta aim high, you know?

Basically, I want to be surrounded by these.

And to look a little like this guy. Minus the beard.

'Cause way down deep inside, I've got a dream!

Alright. Back to work. ;)

Seis de Mayo!

2011-05-06T17:54:00.003-06:00

Hello, friends! There isn't much anything that is new to talk about. I've just been thesising and working at the Bean Museum and getting sunburns from reading in the sunshine for too long. Mundane, ordinary things.

However...

I also discovered some fun things on the internets that I want to share.

1) The Princess Maker! I spent far too much time making little princesses on this thing.

2) Chameleon Circuit! It's a British indie band that plays songs all about Doctor Who. And speaking of amazing British entertainment...

3) Merlin! It's a fabulous BBC show chronicling Merlin and King Arthur's young adult years. When I discovered this, the 13-year-old Toni kasploded inside me! I have always loved British legends. My poet-crush is Alfred Lord Tennyson, who wrote Idylls of the King, a book of poetry about King Arthur and his knights.

4) Muchness! This is a neat article written about the vivacity of heroines in young adult books, looking specifically at Alice. And finally...

5) Brilliant DI find! Okay, so this doesn't really have anything to do with the internets, but I found a great costume dress at DI a few weeks ago. The dress reminds me of a starry night. Here is a teaser shot...of the sleeve!

I love you all! Have a great Mother's Day weekend!

In which I instigate

2011-04-27T14:49:00.006-06:00

I am in a love-hate relationship. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't want to fight him. If I didn't fight him, there would be no point in being together. And so, I am trapped in a passionate and violent battle with my dear Thesis.

Please, gentle reader, take pity on him. I am not the victim: I am the instigator. See here:

Thus far, we have been skirmishing well. He doesn't realize that I have been staying up late at night honing my technique, or that I have been trained how to take him down, or that I have the blessing of the Muses on my side. I have devised a plan with the help of my patron goddess, Athena the Laptop: I will type a few tremulous words here and there, and slowly I will take Thesis by surprise. He will wake up one morning with 35 pages worth of battle wounds, and he will wonder how it happened. And then he will look at me sadly and congratulate me for my victory. And I will laugh and probably kiss him and then he will be mine forever.

Sounds like a wonderful ending, doesn't it? I believe that I can do this, and we have nothing if not belief.

Right? Guys?

P.S. I will knight you (with my favorite pen, for the pen is mightier than the sword, after all) if you can point out some of the myriad allusions that I have made here. Good luck!

Why I do what I do

2011-04-21T17:50:00.005-06:00

While perusing news websites this morning, I found this disheartening article:

Adults don't believe teens are doing better

Basically, studies are showing that today's teens and young adults have developed better morals than preceding generations. Unfortunately, older adults refuse to believe this. The author points out that some adults base their beliefs on a single case where a teen has done something wrong. Others stake their claims in the stereotype of selfish, rebellious teens. This interaction (or anti-interaction, in my mind) is particularly devastating for the youth.

What is there to do when no one expects you to accomplish anything nor accepts that you are already doing good things?

Life gets pretty hard when no one believes in you, especially when you are in the midst of the age-old struggle to identify yourself. This is one of many reasons why I have chosen to study and write young adult literature. I believe in teens and young adults. They can be forces for good if we love and encourage them. My goal is to help them see their potential!

In the current literature, I have found this potential in a variety of stories. For example, I just (as in 10 minutes ago) finished reading an amazing YA book called The Monstrumologist.
It won the Printz Award last year, which is essentially THE award in YA literature. If you're familiar with book awards, it is the YA equivalent of the Newbery. Or if you're not familiar with book awards, it is the YA equivalent of Best Picture. At any rate, Monstrumologist is not for the faint of heart. A compelling combination of historical fiction, science fiction, and horror, Monstrumologist tells the story of young orphan Will Henry, who has been apprenticed to a doctor who studies and hunts monsters. Along the way, he explores the meaning of monster and other intriguing philosophical questions. There is plenty of gore and plenty of heart (in a good way): one of my favorite points in the book is when the doctor stops saying "your services are indispensable to me" and finally says "you are indispensable to me." Will learns what great things he can do (potential!), both on the grand, epic scale and on a smaller, intimate scale. I can't wait to read the sequels!

When I read YA books like this, I often re-learn that everyone has a purpose. Though we are definitely individuals, we are not alone. We are not useless. We each have gifts and talents that we can use to do some good in this world. But these are truths that are easy to forget, especially with our feeble human minds. Sometimes I think that the curse of mortality is forgetfulness. We need to be constantly reminded of the Truth. And that is why I do what I do.

Most of the time.

The Queen of Posts

2011-04-04T21:56:00.003-06:00

Okay, so that's not the most flattering picture of either of us. But look at those cheekbones!

I have lots to share today, so let's start with the most important/most exciting first.

I. My sweet little hometown is getting an LDS temple! Here is the announcement. I could hear my mom screaming in excitement from across the Rocky Mountains. As for myself, I choked and fell off the couch when I heard President Monson say those three little words: Fort Collins, Colorado. Sigh. I will keep you posted as information floods in. I finally feel like I have somewhere to get hitched! Once it gets built, of course. ;)

II. I only have seven days of school left this semester. Always exciting to see the end coming! (wow, take that line out of context and it has intriguing implications about death [leave it to me to get philosophical on so trivial a thing as the end of a semester])

III. I may or may not be going here this summer. My family is going for my baby sister's high school graduation trip. Also, I will most likely be there for this grand opening.

IV. I'm doing a writing marathon this weekend! Basically, all my free time will be spent writing. I will be eating and sleeping, don't worry. Wish me luck!

V. (You'll notice that the next few announcements are less meaningful than their predecessors, but they are fun! Or funny.) I was watching an old TV show this evening, and one of the main characters died. I knew it was coming (heck, she died before I was born!) and I still wept. Like a baby. Like a baby with no way to stop the tears from flowing unceremoniously from her tearducts. More on the old TV show in a future post. (Aren't old TV shows the best?)

VI. Speaking of old TV shows, I have the Doctor Who theme stuck in my head. Get it stuck in your head!

VII. I dug up my old Battle for Middle-Earth computer game the other day and promptly killed Eowyn and Theoden at Helm's Deep. By accident, I assure you. Those words will haunt me: "Lady Eowyn is no more." Shudder.

VIII. Along the same lines (sort of), I have recently become intrigued by a creepy puzzle-based video game called Portal. Words from this game will also haunt me. Imagine a robotic machine gun calling out to you with an automated, young girl's voice, "Are you still there, target?" Before it starts blasting you with bullets. Yeah. Not to mention the powerful gun in your hands, a gun that allows you to create transportation portals on the walls and floor and ceiling. And the eerie messages left on the walls by those who have gone (and died) before.

IX. This post is long enough. Farewell for now, gentle readers! Don't have too many nightmares...target. Bwa ha ha.

Moon, Ship, Word

2011-03-19T17:13:00.005-06:00

What do they all have in common? This post!

#1 I am very upset--very upset--that we have cloud cover tonight. The full moon only comes once a month, but this particular kind of full moon only comes once every 20 years. Read more.

#2 I just got back from BYU's performance of Persuasion. It was amazing! Persuasion is my favorite Jane Austen novel; thus, Captain Wentworth is my favorite Jane Austen hero. Besides, this blogger has a thing for men on ships, ranging from Royal Navy to StarFleet. And yes, I think the Tardis counts as a ship. :) Anyway, if you want to see the play, you should!

#3 I am participating in a writing marathon. What! Rissy and Dell need to have a happy ending, and by golly, I'm gonna give it to them! I'm not sure exactly when this marathon is going to be, but if you are interested, check it out! In Bilbo's immortal words, "I want to see mountains again--mountains, Gandalf! And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book."

Comfort Movies

2011-03-09T09:12:00.003-07:00

Let's be honest: I have comfort movies. When I'm feeling blue or icky, I just want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of hot soup and a movie. Now, my dear friend Kelli has fantastically comforting comfort movies, like Anne of Green Gables and The Big Green. These movies actually have qualities that soothe, tickle, and cheer.

My comfort movies look a little different. Don't judge; I like to escape into an adventure, okay?

1. The Mummy
This movie came out right before my family made the gihugic move from Washington to Colorado. That summer, I learned this movie word-for-word. I can still remember the lines from my favorite scene in the library:

"Socrates, Seth Volume 1, Volume 2, and Volume 3. T-Tuthmosis? What are you doing here? T, t, t, t, t--T. I'm going to put you where you belong." Which is where she knocks down every single shelf in the library.

2. Godzilla
Nick Tatopoulos, played by Matthew Broderick, would be my friend. He's a nerd, he's sweet, he fights a giant nuclear lizard that he actually doesn't want to destroy, etc, etc. My favorite thing about this movie is that it takes place largely in the rain. I love rain in movies, especially night rain. I'm not sure why.

3. Star Trek (2009)

I'm not even going to get started on why Star Trek anything comforts me, but I will say this: it's in my blood.

4. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
He's a hero. He's romantic. He shoots arrows while barrels of gun powder explode behind him. What more does a girl need when she's feeling blue?

5. Jurassic Park

This is the one that I'm currently watching. I love the characters, the awesome dinosaurs, and (of course) the scene in the night rain. I tell ya, that night rain really comforts me. Even when the T-rex has just escaped and is eating people. Soothing. So so soothing. Plus, I have always crushed on Sam Neill. And also, the velociraptors are wicked cool.

Good Grief!

2011-03-08T08:20:00.002-07:00

I have found a cave and it's nice and I'm going to spend the rest of the school year in this cave and I'm going to do all the homework and grade all the papers and read all the books and not come out until summer. Right?

So, the weeks plod on. There are currently five weeks left of classes this semester. I'm registered for one spring class, but I don't really want to take it. Besides, I have devilishly brilliant summer plans. >:) I will divulge these plans soon. But not now.

Mostly because now I need to dry my hair and put clothes on and walk the twenty minutes to work. How many miles is that? I shall google it. Apparently, it is International Women's Day. According to Google. Also according to Google (well, Google maps), I walk 5500 ft to the Bean Museum. That's almost two miles, folks! I must be in such good shape. But that means I have to leave my cave. Momentarily. Just for a wee bit. Then I'll be back. Until then!

If you give a girl a star...

2011-02-25T20:19:00.004-07:00

Because of a traumatizing episode in Young Women's, I hate hate hate crafts. Hate hate hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely. Let's just say that one of my leaders did not like it that I was thinking "outside the box" when we did crafts for activity. Every week. For years. Starting when I was twelve.

However, I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Normally, I fill my free time with reading, but grad school is starting to wear down my eyeballs. I now "watch" my favorite movies, the movies that I can quote in my sleep, the movies that I do not need to use my eyes to watch. I can just listen to the dialogue and the music and my memory fills in the rest. But I'm fidgety. I have nothing to do while I listen-imagine-watch these movies.

And so, I craft. Tonight, the movie was Lord of the Rings. I made a star out of ribbon, beads, and pipe cleaners.

And then the star needed something to shine on, so I made a fairy.

And then the fairy got lonely, so I made another fairy. This one is my favorite, mostly because of her vibrant colors. And also because she has feathers for wings.

And the fairy wanted to ride on top of a kitty.

And now, if you'll excuse, I need to watch my one of my favorite elves of all time (read: Haldir) die a horrible and unnecessary death. It should have been Legolas.

CNN Mayhem

2011-02-19T09:43:00.003-07:00

Can you spot the unusual, politically incorrect connection between the two news stories?

From CNN this morning: "A doctor in Ecuador notices his shortest patients are some of his healthiest. Evidence is mounting that a brown dwarf star or a gas giant planet is part of our solar system. A look back at some of the week's best stories."

Or is this just one story?

Happy Canadian Flag Day!

2011-02-15T08:00:00.003-07:00

It's National Flag Day in Canada. What are you doing to celebrate? Nothing? Hmmm, me neither. Prolly because I'm not Canadian in any way. In fact, I still have a love/hate relationship with Canada from the 2010 Winter Olympics hockey game. But but but...Gilbert Blythe is Canadian! And and and Michael J. Fox! And lots of other great people!

Anyway, while I'm in the process of rethinking my Canadian sentiments, let me show you how I celebrated Valentine's Day:

We had FHE as a ward, and the festivities included a giant game of twister, as seen here. In the top left corner, you can also see a rousing game of musical chairs going on. I, of course, was wandering around picking up the candy hearts that were getting thrown about.

Oh, and I also dressed up for the occasion.

In addition to Red (my favorite color) and Black (in mourning of great people who have been limited by obsessions with love), I also wore a green heart. Why green? Am I preparing prematurely for St. Patty's Day? Never! I'm too Scottish to pine over an Irish holiday. Then why, already?

Because I like Spock, and he has green blood.

Live long and prosper.

Of Colds and Mummies

2011-02-04T09:09:00.002-07:00

Hi. I have a cold. It's driving me crazy. How are you?

Seriously. This cold is rebelling, trying to bring me down. It has gone Egypt on me. Yes, I just turned a current event into an adjective.

While we were cleaning for cleaning checks last night, my roommate got a cryptic text message. "Are you watching? It just happened." She had no clue what it meant.

"Egypt?" I offered. I was scraping soap residue off the washing machine. "Maybe they finally got rid of Mubarak."

She thought about this for a moment, on her hands and knees in front of the oven. "Oh my gosh," she finally said, "what if it's the third world war?!"

I stopped scraping. If my brain could ever work at genius speeds, it did right then. In a single second, I imagined all of life during and after World War III. Billions of images flitted through my mind. My family watches too many apocalypse movies, if you ask me.

I picked at some dried blue soap with my fingernail. "I don't think so."

After a long five minutes, we learned that the text was simply referring to the newest episode of The Office. (Really?) No world-wide warfare yet. But maybe--just maybe--having a cold isn't so bad.

Happy Feberwary!

2011-02-01T08:11:00.004-07:00

February: from the Latin word for "purification." The Finnish name for February means "month of the pearl." It is the month when Argentina celebrates the National Day of the Sun, when the world celebrates International Mother Language Day, when America celebrates Black History. It is the month of the amethyst, a gem that symbolizes spiritual wisdom and honesty.

But it's a short month. I only have so much time to make it a February of Awesome!

So let's get out there in the cold and the wind, where the fish fly above our heads and the funny little man chops down a tree on top of a cow, where the sheep and the cattle line up for battle. Hey, I made a rhyme!

What is in store for you this month?

Learn All the Things!

2011-01-29T15:24:00.003-07:00

I've been feeling a little bored lately, so I went to the Provo City Library this morning to check out some books. I brought back two behemoths.

If anyone wants to know anything about Scottish or Russian history, give me a few weeks and I will know all! Actually, I'm a little concerned: I have this addiction to learning, nay, consuming knowledge whether or not it is directly applicable to my current situation. I guess that's how grad school plays with the mind. Even in my spare time all I want to do is learn learn learn!

Oh, and I am no longer bored. Thanks to the Brave Land and also to Kievan Russia.

Little Awesomes

2011-01-28T16:08:00.005-07:00

Hello there!

Life goes on as usual for me, but some awesome, very exciting things are happening to people close to me:

My sister, Katie, and her husband, Ben, are getting sealed in the Denver temple on February 5th!

I wish I could be there!

Also, my former roommate, Alex, and her husband, Nick, have a brand new baby boy! I haven't seen any pictures of him yet, but I am so excited for their little family! I am, however, beginning to imagine what he might look like...

Congratulations to the two happy couples!

2011: Year of Awesome

2011-01-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is going to be my year. MMXI is going to be awesome. To prevent it from becoming anything other than awesome, I have officially named it The Year of Awesome.

In celebration of The Year of Awesome, I am going to do awesome things all year. I am tackling these books for January. What!

I will learn about dystopian societies. I will learn about spaceships. I will learn about anthropophagi (ask Shakespeare). I will learn about French boarding schools. Learn learn learn I love to learn! Learning is Awesome. Any suggestions for Awesome things to do/learn in February?

Psych

2011-01-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

It's time that I explain another one of my obsessions. It's called Psych. I like Psych. I like it a lot.
Here's the full cast:
Reasons why I may or may not be obsessed and uber-nerdy about Psych

(1) I am the target audience! I am in college and I am a fan of awesomeness.

(2) It is super funny! I mostly watch it for the ridiculous one-liners, the fast-paced dialogue, and the occasional I-think-we-just-caught-the-bad-guy dance.

(3) My family likes it! This is very important when it comes to my obsessions. I like to surround myself with people who also appreciate the object of my obsession.

(4) My friends like it! What. See (3).

(5) They make loads of 1980s references! I have yet to catch 'em all (that's a reference to the 1990s of my own childhood), but I laugh and laugh and laugh when I finally get it!

(6) They make fun of themselves! In one of the best scenes ever, Gus (played by Dule Hill, who was also in Holes, a movie dear to my heart) and Shawn (the audacious James Roday) discover a dino dig.

Shawn: Oh, look at that. It's like that movie, the one with, uh, Sigourney Weaver.

Gus: Aliens?

Shawn: No.

Gus: Alien?

Shawn: No!

Gus: Alien: Resurrection?

Shawn: Gus, the one with the holes and Shia LaBeouf.

Gus: They had holes in Shia LaBeouf?

Shawn: The holes were in the ground, dude. Like that. And Jon Voight was walking around all crazy.

Gus: Oh! Anaconda.

Shawn: Man, never mind.

Gus: Gorillas in the Mist? Death and the Maiden?

Get it? They're talking about Holes...which Gus also starred in...

(7) The Blueberry!

You know that's right.

MMXI

2011-01-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

Happy 2011!

How did you ring in the New Year? My family and I celebrated by watching "dumb" movies. We started with Johnny English and Get Smart. Then, we watched Michael Jackson music videos and danced like crazy. Just wait until you see my new moves! But it was only 11:00pm by then, and we were all bored and tired, so we put on an episode of Psych. What! And one of my sisters fell asleep. Everyone left or went to bed at 11:55pm, so once again it was Sam and I alone celebrating the new year. And he was inexplicably sitting in a basket.

But that's okay. I love him anyway. Just as long as he gets out of that basket every once in a while.

A full Christmas report is coming soon. See you then!

Christmas and a New Year

2010-12-28T16:33:00.002-07:00

Did you have a good Christmas? I did! I went home to Colorado to spend winter break with my beloved family. Dear reader, did you know that this is the first dry Christmas I have seen in over ten years? We always have deep snow on or before December 25, but the Windsor area has not had any measurable snow this year. We are officially in a drought, though there will be plenty of snow melt from the mountains in the spring. It's kinda weird. But so goes the Windsor bubble.

In other news, one of my new year goals falls in line with Elder Quentin L. Cook's recent conference talk, "Let There Be Light." He encouraged us to make values based on religious beliefs a part of the public discourse. I will be sharing a daily value on this site for all of 2011! It is going to be a challenge, but I think I can do it with enough discipline. And posture. And also pursuit driving abilities. Kudos to anyone who catches that reference. Anyway, if you need a pick-me-up, head on over to Lantern Light for a value-based post. And have a Happy New Year!

I'll post awesome pictures soon! Love ya!

Sailing on the Dawn Treader

2010-12-10T09:14:00.007-07:00

As is my tradition, I went to the midnight release of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader this morning. I still feel that rocking, rolling motion of the sea. And every time I have to leave Narnia at the end of these movies, I get sick to my stomach. My mom would call it pathetic. I call it sympathetic. The characters are so real to me that I can easily feel what they are feeling. It's a combination of excellent writing, good acting, and fabulous audience participation. :)

For those of you interested in seeing it, the movie was a spiritual journey for all involved. It's so different from the first two (by the nature of the book) and yet so good! They changed a few things in the adaptation, but everything worked for me. I was emotionally exhausted at the end, but I can't wait to do it all over again! I read a review that perfectly describes the three Narnia movies: "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is iconic. Prince Caspian is epic. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is intimate." This movie is not about war; it's about people. And I love it!

One of the things that impressed me the most was the thematic richness. There are so many layers, it will take me a long time (and several trips to the theater) to figure them all out. Here is one of my favorite lines, given by the adorable Reepicheep to a mourning Eustace: "Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people. Perhaps your destiny is far greater than you can imagine." To me, it means that sometimes we are put through trials so that we can learn how to reach our potential, how to be like our Heavenly Father. And that our potential is beyond imagination. Which is saying something because I have a big, huge, wild, overactive imagination!

But the movie also takes you on an exciting adventure with a few swordfights, a squall, a dragon, and (gasp!) a sea-serpent that really scared the gold off my boots. I wantwantwant to be a Narnian sailor! Like so:

If I'm a good girl for the rest of the year, maybe Santa will allow me into Narnia for Christmas.

Happy December, and What a Spooky Day

2010-12-03T11:51:00.003-07:00

Note to self: the second month of each semester (February and October) will be boring. The third month (March and November) will be busy.

Graduate school is kicking my butt, so I'm here to blog about it, naturally. Actually, I'm here to wish you all a happy December and to tell you about my spooky day. These are the spooky things that happened to me:

1) This morning, when I got up at 6, my roommates were already awake. This never happens. I thought that maybe it was 6 at night instead of 6 in the morning. I've been known to wake up from an afternoon nap thinking that it's already morning.

2) When I walked to class at 7:45, there was hardly anyone on campus. Usually there are lots of people heading to their 8 o'clock jobs or classes and such. I wondered if it was really Saturday instead of Friday.

3) The clock in the Eyring Science Center was 5 minutes fast so I thought I was running late. But I wasn't.

4) The bells did not ring at 8am when class was supposed to be starting. I just had to start teaching.

5) The bells finally rang at 8:20. Three times. In succession.

6) I sat down next to a random person in the library and upon closer inspection, I discovered that it was Jess, my roommate.

7) The clocks in the Jesse Knight Building were 2 hours and 5 minutes slow. At 11:20, they read 9:15.

Cue the Twilight Zone music.

Have you ever had a spooky day? Tell me about it!

November

2010-11-12T11:42:00.003-07:00

Allow me to list the things that I love about this month:

Needing to wear warm socks and boots
Old music (I've starting listening to Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra Christmas songs!)
Veterans Day
Eating turkey and potatoes and gravy and onions and stuffing
Making Christmas plans
Believing that there is something to be thankful for
Embers in the fireplace
Random childhood memories

Also, I made this graphic with Paint. It is beautimous, no? I worked so hard on it...

All Hallow's Eve

2010-10-31T20:34:00.003-06:00

I'm not afraid of no ghost.

It's all a bunch of hocus pocus

And pickles

And llamas

And other scary things

And there was this once,

Upon a midnight dreary,

While I pondered, weak and weary,

That everyone hailed to the pumpkin throne.

I chat with my sister about bloody hands and time travel

And we search for pirates and hoverboards on Amazon.

We have a theory about velociraptors.

And, by the way,

I am a murderess,

She is a jazzerciser.

And a hitchhiking ghost follows us home

For Family Home Evening.

Happy Halloween!

NCIS Pumpkinheads

2010-10-30T20:18:00.002-06:00

I have an obsession. It's unhealthy, I know. But my obsession cannot help itself. It just is. And it belongs to NCIS. Great show. Mum can't stand it because "it's so unrealistic." So I tell her to go watch reality TV. Leave the stories and characters of NCIS to me.

To honor my friends at the fictional version of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, I decided to draw their faces on my mini-pumpkin, as such:

All he needs is a bow tie.

He is a goof.

She rocks!

Because he's lethal.

She's so mysterious.

My favorite! Also, we saw him a few weeks ago on this blog as Thackery Binx. :)

October 26th

2010-10-26T22:46:00.004-06:00

Happy Marty McFly Day!

Marty began his three-movie journey when he hit 88 miles per hour on October 26th, 1985, making today the 25th anniversary! Wah!

And in his honor, my car transformed into a time machine. I installed a flux capacitor. It was awesome.

Happy Feet

2010-10-26T22:26:00.006-06:00

How can you get overwhelmed or discouraged when your feet look like this?

Saturday morning

2010-10-23T11:34:00.003-06:00

It's raining.

I do not have makeup on.

I'm wearing red socks and perfecting my moonwalk on the kitchen floor.

I made a bet that it would snow on October 31st.

I hope I'm right.

Sensible Assumptions

2010-10-21T19:21:00.006-06:00

Glort you.

That's right. Glort you. After a dropped call to my mother, I tried to text "I lost you." I forgot the space and my phone assumed I was writing "Glort you." Makes sense. Especially since glort is a real word. Psych! (O the good old '90s!)

Let's play Balderdash. If glort were a real word, what would it mean? Here is my submission.

Glort: verb, to gleefully snort insomuch that an eyeball pops out of its socket.

So when I say "glort you," I am cursing you with the ability to gleefully snort insomuch that one of your eyeballs pops out. I'll let you choose which eyeball. Now there's an image for you. And speaking of images, I have some poetic autumnal pictures to share with you. This is the view from where I stand:

All gold and bright!

Are we actually leaning? Trippy. Hehe.

I liked the blanket of leaves on the ground.

Red and orange and green, oh my!

This tree took the book Catching Fire a wee bit too literally.

The Black Flame Candle

2010-10-14T19:46:00.005-06:00

Have you done anything poetic yet? Me either. I'm still trying to come up with something really clever. Do not doubt me, gentle readers.

In the meantime, I have a message for you from my dear friend and probable true love, Thackery Binx: Don't light the black flame candle on All Hallow's Eve. You might bring someone undesirable back to life.

Like these lovely ladies. Coughcough.

And here is Binx in all his glorious kitty-ness.

And in his Thackery normal-ness. Isn't he cute?

We're totally probable true loves.

Enjoy your favorite childhood Halloween movies! Mine is obviously Hocus Pocus, but there are a lot of other great ones out there. I like Nightmare Before Christmas, too. What movies did you and, hopefully, do you still love?

Do something poetic

2010-10-11T22:34:00.003-06:00

Random Hypothetical Person: What do you do for a living?

Me: Oh, you know. I read.

RHP: You read?

Me: Yes.

RHP: Well, I read, too. But it is not a living. It's not a real way to spend your time.

Me: I read a lot. Trust me, it is a real way to spend your time.

RHP: I read a lot, too. And you don't really accomplish anything when you read.

*crickets chirping*

Me: I don't think you quite understand.

Me: It's a living.

So, just in case you ever wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life, now you know. I read, and I learn how to be a human being.

Also, in light of President Uchtdorf's General Conference message, in which he encourages us to (among many other wunderbar things) rejoice in the simple things of life, I would like to issue a challenge to my readership. All both of you.

CHALLENGE: Do something poetic. What do I mean by this?

Recreate some image or scene from a poem. Take part in the beauty of living. Poetry explores the nuances of life: the beautiful, the ugly, the tragic, the peaceful, the humorous, the bizarre, etc. You want an example or two or five? You got it.

As it gets closer to Halloween, I might tap on a friend's window and chant "nevermore."

On a sunny day, I might try to outrun my shadow.

I might finger a jewel as I fall to sleep.

I might dance with the daffodils.

I might take a road that runs uphill.

So be creative. Have fun. Simple fun. Are we good with that? I sure hope so, because I'm excited to hear about the poetic things you do!

And, of course, I'll still be reading.

October Friends

2010-10-02T18:49:00.003-06:00

It's October 2nd! That means that today I made a new friend.

Pumpkin-butt and I got along so well from the start that I can already put rabbit ears on him in our pictures. Isn't it wonderful? 'Tis the season to make friends! Just don't tell them what you're going to do to them later on in the month.

Awkward conversation

Pumpkin-butt: Hi, Toni.

Me: Hi, Pumpkin-butt. Hey, can I...carve you?

Pumpkin-butt: Can you what?

Me: Carve you. You know, with a...knife.

Pumpkin-butt: Ha ha, very funny. I suppose you'll be wanting to yank my guts out, too.

Me: ...

Pumpkin-butt: Great Gourd! You're being serious!

Let's avoid this as much as possible. Don't worry about introducing the concept of carving to your new friend; just stab away. He won't even bleed.

Happy October!

Secret State Crushes

2010-09-30T17:05:00.007-06:00

I just took a quiz on what state I should live in. The result was Alaska. The two other "good fit" states were two of my personal favorites/secret state crushes: Colorado and Montana. I consider this quiz to be accurate.

Also, I just tried to write the following made-up word because my train of thought changed tracks in the middle of writing it: Alaskarado. Really? I guess it could be an interesting place. Hmmm...

Governor of Alaskarado:

So, birds.

2010-09-25T16:24:00.004-06:00

Humans seek transcendence. We just do. We always want to overcome the limits and boundaries that have been placed on us. You might call it human nature.

Well, we have this particular boundary called Earth, and we're pretty good at everything that can be done inside this boundary. But we often get bored with the things we master. So we took to the sea. Water was an ancient symbol for chaos because it is always moving, often dark, sometimes dangerous. For myself, I'm still a little afraid of large bodies of water because I can't see what's in them. However, humans in general have been using water for business, fun, and war for hundreds--even thousands--of years. We had expanded our mastery to include Earth and water, but we were itching to transcend even those boundaries. So we turned our gaze upward and saw the birds.

Birds have been ahead of us for a long, long time. They use Earth, they use water, and they are very good at using the sky. We envied them. They could transcend all boundaries. In short, birds were, and are, awesome.

Now, humans eventually figured out how to enter the realm of the sky and even outer space, but there is just something so powerful about the natural way that birds inhabit the air, about their inherent symbolic qualities.

I love birds. I've been learning how to identify them by sight and by song. The chickadee has, for me, the easiest song to recognize.

Just two notes. One high, the other a few steps lower. Hree-hoo.

But one of my favorite birds of all is the only kind with sickle-shaped wings and a death-cry: the peregrine falcon.

They're also wicked fast. In fact, they're the fastest animals on the planet.

So, birds. Gotta love 'em. Wanna be one when I grow up.

And now, a testimonial from my dear friend, Emily Dickinson, on how birds can be used as awesome symbols:

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

Social Editing

2010-09-18T09:31:00.002-06:00

I am a social editor. No, that does not mean that I edit people's words as they speak them. No, that does not mean that I edit societal sayings. It means that I edit out loud.

One of my first editing professors instructed me to question every comma to make sure that it actually belongs where it is. I took this to heart.

Yesterday at work:

"Hello, Mr. Comma," I said. Commas are almost always male.

"Hey, dude," he replied.

"What are you doing there?" I made my voice deep and scary, like a serial killer's voice.

"Uh..."

So I axed him. It was bloody, I'll admit, but it felt so good to get rid of him. I was like a bloodthirsty exterminator on the prowl. If a comma couldn't explain why he was there, my red pen swung down on him.

I approached my next potential prey.

"Hello, Mr. Comma."

"Greetings!" My spirits fell a little. This comma was pretty polite. It would be harder to exterminate him.

"What are you doing there?"

"Well, I'm connecting two complete but related sentences with my friend, here, Mr. And."

"Oh," I said. I blinked.

"Yes, well, sorry to disappoint you, but I do believe we belong here."

"Yes." I lowered my pen with great sorrow. "Nice to meet you, Mr. And."

"Carry on."

At this point, my boss turned around. "Who are you talking to?"

A hundred misplaced commas giggled on the page. They can be so stupid. I smiled and said, "I'm talking to my victims." And the giggling stopped.

Do zombies dream?

2010-09-16T20:09:00.006-06:00

Yes.

Zombies dream.

The night after I wrote my last post, in which I asked if zombies dream, I dreamt of gigantic moths like this one:

And they were crawling up a dude just like that! And while they were crawling on this poor dude, I started to say, "Watch out, dude! There's a dozen giant moths on you!" And then I saw this yummy little creature, who was also crawling on the dude:

Yipes! The giant spider crawled up and ate the giant moths! And all on the dude! I stood there, frozen, unable to say anything. It was horrific. It was tragic. It was terrifying. And then I woke up. So, yes, zombies dream. At least, they nightmare. Can we make "nightmare" into a verb? I think we should be able to. After all, "dream" is both a noun and a verb. I dreamed a dream. See? So it follows that we should be able to say I nightmared a nightmare.

Think about it.

Unless you would rather think about the giant spider, in which case you probably shouldn't be my friend.

I want brains

2010-09-14T19:37:00.004-06:00

Another 11-hour day on campus. I firmly believe now that graduate school turns respectable people into zombies. My reasoning? Simple. Graduate students are a bunch of bedraggled, sleepy, starving students who are after one thing only: braaaiiins. Oh, and we also have wicked dance moves; see also Thriller.

It should not be surprising, then, that the first thing that came to my mind as I was trudging home was this: Gee, I really want to read some Edgar Allan Poe tonight.

You see, last fall semester, I took a class all about Poe. We studied everything he wrote, read, and sneezed on. He wrote much more than just the Gothic, creepy stuff we learn about in high school. Although he was definitely a master at that, too. It was a particularly fun class during the Halloween season, which (for me) lasts from Labor Day up to November 3rd. The extension after October 31st is, of course, to accommodate celebrations for the Day of the Dead. I'm totally getting myself some pan de muerto this year. At any rate, this season is one of my favorite times of the year!

So I wonder which Poe piece I will be reading as I fall asleep tonight. Will it give me nightmares? Actually, it will probably make my dreams calmer than they normally are. No more epic floods and swimming from Utah to Michigan with aquatic velociraptors on my tail for me!

But, my question to you is, do zombies even dream?

I guess we're going to find out.

4

2010-09-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

I have four jobs. Four. Quatro. As many jobs as there are Italian cheeses. As many jobs as there are wings on an X-wing fighter. As many jobs as there are letters in a four-letter word. Allow me to explain. No, strike that: I'll just let you figure it out on your own.

Job I

Editorial Assistant for Western North American Naturalist

@ the Bean Museum

Job II

Writing 150 Instructor

@ BYU Writing Program

Job III

Primary Author of a chapter on LDS contributions to young adult literature

@ BYU English Program

Job IV

Writer of children's books, middle grade books, and young adult novels

@ My Desk

So, let us call upon The Great Pen of the Sky. Great Pen of the Sky, please please please turn me into this:

Um, thank you, that is all.

(squeezes eyes shut) Is it working?

Awesome all day long

2010-09-07T21:49:00.012-06:00

Tuesdays are going to be my long days this semester. I was on campus for 11 hours straight. But it was 11 hours of awesome! I love my studies, I love my jobs, I love my friends, and I especially love my soft, fluffy pillow and the nice little way it greets me when I come home (basically, I flop onto it and it sits there all squishy and warm). This is essentially how my day went today.

Disclaimer: this may or may not be a bit fictionalized. For example, no, I did not wear this many outfits today.

6:00AM The Dread Alarm goes off. I bound out of bed, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...at 6:20.

8:00AM I teach Writing 150. I be smart.

9:30AM I go to my creative writing class. I revel in nerd-dom. My writing project has kitties in it. Samwise (shown here) provides the inspiration.

11:00AM I go to the BYU devotional. President Samuelson warns us not to be over-zealous. I zealously vow to be more careful about it.

12:00PM I work through my office hours in the Writing instructor carrels, which is a fancy way of saying "Studying Stalls," not unlike the one in the image below.

2:00PM I work through my office hours in the Bean Museum. I read about Lepus americanus. It's not as scary as I make it look.

4:00PM I eat dinner. Nom nom nom.

5:00PM I go to Introduction to Graduate Studies in English, where I appear all scholarly and such.

7:00PM I walk home. To start my homework. And eat Second Dinner.

And that pretty much explains my whole schedule for those of you who wonder what a graduate student in English does. Basically, I'm awesome all day long. Who would have guessed!

Bring it.

2010-09-04T16:38:00.006-06:00

I survived my first week of graduate school! Allow me to illustrate how I feel with the following photographs, which are actual pictures of me studying/researching/writing essays/etc:

I feel like Link behind the power of his favorite weapon.

I feel like Ron, having just achieved the impossible.

I feel like Michael about to deliver the coup de grace to the devil-dragon.

I feel like Aragorn, ready to conquer the army ahead.

To grad school, I say, "You will release Captain Solo and the Wookie to me."

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Wahoo!

Master Toni

2010-08-26T20:50:00.009-06:00

I've been training all week. I'm exhausted, but that's kind of the point of training. Soon, I will be implementing everything I have learned because I am too tired to resist (in Vader's words, "It is pointless to resist"). Soon, I will be a Jedi Master. Soon, I will have padawans. Yes, I have confirmed that "padawans" is the plural of "padawan." Just to be sure. Because a Jedi Master must be sure. And tough. In fact, I have been practicing this line: If you don't do as I say, I will become angry and use my magic. (Thanks to Luke and C3P0 for the idea!)

My magics. And a blaster gun cleverly disguised as an Earthbound water gun.

In the first week of class, we will go over the syllabus and begin the first unit, basic mind tricks. My goal is to progress the padawan learners to advanced mind tricks, force grip, and lightsaber construction by the end of the semester. This is going to be fairly intense for the younglings, but I have great faith in their abilities to learn and grow.

As for myself, I have been trained by the Greats. Few people know that Shakespeare was a Jedi Master. Chaucer was also a Jedi, though he was always rebelling against the Council. And then there was Homer, one of the most famous Jedi Knights. You'll be surprised what you learn in the Jedi Academy.

And let's not forget The Bestest Jedi Master Ever. I understand that he almost took home the award for Grumpiest Jedi Master Ever, but he lost it to Samuel L. Jackson.

In his natural habitat.

Mmmm. Hidden your future is.

May the Force be with my classroom!

The Burrow

2010-08-10T19:35:00.007-06:00

If you were to come to my room, I would say, "Welcome to The Burrow!" You see, I've named it The Burrow because it is a small hole in the basement of my apartment. So, I kind of live like a rabbit. But I'm a very happy rabbit. Let's take a quick tour of my itty-bitty living space! Please note that this room is my attempt to create a haven for a graduate student studying children's and young adult literature. Also note that each caption is below the picture it describes.

This is my I'm-Still-A-Kid Area.

Please appreciate my line-up of heroes: Captain Moroni, Prince Philip, King Peter, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Mario, who is being a creep in the background. Also visible in this shot: (giant) Flora from Sleeping Beauty and a snowglobe with the girl from The Nutcracker.

This is my Where Books Can Take You display. In the center is a picture of Lucy opening the wardrobe door, and spread around the outside are maps from children's books: Panem (from the Hunger Games), Neverland, Wonderland, Narnia, etc. I'm hoping to add more soon!

This is my weapons arsenal. Please appreciate my lightsaber. It makes me so proud.

I have decorated with birds and their homes. Everywhere.

This is my Classic Children's Books corner. It's right over my head when I sleep at night. So if the shelf fails one night and kills me, know that I died happy.

This might be hard to see, but on the back of my door is my pretty white princess/Jane Austen dress. Alex, check out the bow at the top! I made it just for you! And what are those straps hanging from the doorknob...

Why, it's a pretty red purse! I put all my pretty stuff on my door so that I remember to put on make-up before I leave. I'm a little lazy about that.

And what is a college room without a media center?! Right next to this is my tupperware tub of movies and DVDS, and right next to that is my glorious TV, shown in the first picture. Please note that the box of CDs says "Achmed was here! Mwah ha ha!" because my sister thought it would be funny.

And look, no room would be complete without a cat (albeit a stuffed cat in this case) curled up asleep on the bed.

So, all in all, I still have some blank walls to decorate (I just ordered a tasty poster that I can't wait to hang up) and some areas to organize. But in general, my room is my haven! I'm excited to try it out when school actually starts. Less than 3 weeks, gentle readers! Ack! I best get crackin' on that readings list.

My Muchness: I discovered the other day that I really like Converse sneakers...on cute guys. Now that I mention it, I feel the need to watch Back to the Future again. :)

Good Milk Gone Bad

2010-08-09T21:05:00.006-06:00

We had a tragic morning. My roommate's milk decided to commit milk suicide.

It went sour.

Rest in the Pasteurs (of Heaven)

I made a milk joke, no?

In other news, I had another bizarre dream about an Ancient Crocodilian Dinosaur that was trying to eat me. And every time I mentioned it, I had to call it by its full name: the Ancient Crocodilian Dinosaur. It's a mouthful, especially when you're running away from giant, razor-sharp teeth! Picture me running down the street screaming, "Help! The Ancient Crocodilian Dinosaur is chasing me!"

My Muchness: I can build a trampoline! My cousins and I built one on Friday. When we had the frame set up, we thought it would be funny to pretend to have fun jumping inside it. So we took pictures.

Jump, my pretties!

And we may or may not have taken a video.

My Mind is Naked and I Don't Care

2010-08-01T10:02:00.005-06:00

I've developed the most intriguing habit. All my life, I have experienced very vivid, memorable dreams, and I actually remember them when I wake up! It's like I can feel my brain committing them to memory as they are unfolding in my subconscious. Dreams are so bizarre; I love wondering where they come from. When I was 11 or so, I was convinced that dreams came out of the very last thing you thought about before you fell asleep. I know now that that is not true, or I would be having some disturbing thoughts as I slip in and out of consciousness.

Hee hee ho ho ha ha!

But I told you earlier that I have a most intriguing habit, and the idea behind writing a sentence like that is that I will eventually tell you what this most intriguing habit is. Consider the writer-reader contract fulfilled: I've been writing in a dream journal. It's awesome. Who knows when I'll get something amazing out of a dream! Because my dreams don't often have a lot of plot (though some of them do!), I write in short stream-of-consciousness phrases. And I write in present tense, which makes it even more awesome! Here are a few examples from my past two weeks of dreaming:

* I drive around in a teacup.

* I am a mermaid.

* I climb up a vertical sidewalk and I'm wearing a black dress.

* A friend tells me his age is 5 o'clock.

I also write down some of the strange images, like these:

* A cathedral in Montreal.

* A staircase that is an elevator.

* Girls in lacy dresses sitting on a flat boat that is floating down a canal.

* A rabbit who has lost its ears.

You should try it some time. You're probably worried about my sanity, reading all these things that come directly, unedited, from my head.

Never question the sanity!

You're going to avoid me from now on. Oh well. My mother and I enjoy analyzing dreams, and it always helps to have written the details down immediately upon waking. Dream journals = awesome!

My Muchness: I enjoy bizarre children's movies from the '80s, like The Labyrinth or NeverEnding Story. I love the idea of having an adventure inside a book, don't you?

The World is Awesome

2010-07-17T12:51:00.004-06:00

Exhibit A.

The world is awesome. And random. And strange. A couple years ago, I saw this red grocery cart resting upside down in a large bush. So I snapped a picture to remember the randomness/awesomeness by.

Exhibit B: one night I came home from an awkward date (as most dates with me are wont to be) and found that two of my friends had left a trail of funny notes throughout my apartment, finally leading up to my bed, where I found this:

King Peter kicks Prince Philip's butt.

Translation: Moral of the Story. Never leave Katie and Cassie alone with nothing to do on a Friday night.

Unexpected + somewhat ridiculous = awesome!

For more awesome things, follow the 1000 Awesome Things blog.

Toni and the Machines

2010-07-06T21:29:00.004-06:00

I have a car. His name is Apollo because he is gold and Apollo is the Greek god of light. We make a handsome couple, if I do say so myself.

Apollo was my college graduation gift. I couldn't get a man, so I got a car instead! Do you know what I love most about Apollo? He isn't under the influence of SkyNet. For those of you unfamiliar with the world of "De Terminator," SkyNet is the evil-robot-run force of evil robots of Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized fame. And my father's car is, unfortunately, a SkyNet machine. You see, my father asked me to drive his Honda Pilot (named Vladimir) through southern Utah, but the car ran so smoothly that I hardly felt like I was driving. I barely had to touch the pedals to get them to respond. I barely had to hold the steering wheel. Vlad was driving, not me. I like to be in control of a machine with that much power--lest it decide to kill me and take over the world.

Thank goodness for anti-SkyNet Apollo! He does not drive smoothly. I have to really press those pedals down. And my hands are always 10 and 2 on that steering wheel. Driving Apollo is a lot like riding a horse because I have to pay attention to what he's telling me all the time. And I appreciate that. I just have to be careful not to get too much in tune with this machine. I could end up part human/part machine, like Darth Vader. Which would be disastrous. But I'll take the Empire over SkyNet any day.

The Search for My Muchness: Heaven is feline. I've been house-sitting a pair of kittens this week, and not even Disneyland made me this happy! I suppose that's why I'm Toni the Tiger.

Gunpowder and Books

2010-07-04T18:57:00.005-06:00

Zap! Pop! Bang!

You knew that was coming.

Ah, the sweet sound of independence. I love celebrating freedom with gunpowder! I also love that the freedom of religion allows all us out here in Utah to celebrate the Fourth on Saturday night so we can spend our Sabbath thinking thoughts that ascend much higher than any firework ever could. P.S. Have you read the Constitution lately? I carry a pocket-sized copy in my purse. If I ever get into trouble, I will know my rights.

I also read an amazing (and appropriately patriotic) book this weekend: Freshman for President by Ally Condie. I met Ally last month at the writing conference, and I remembered that I got a copy of this book in one of my undergrad classes at BYU. It's about a boy in high school named Milo who decides to run for President of the United States, knowing full well that he cannot win much less take office (one has to be 35 to assume the presidency). He wants to take a journey, to do something, to figure out who he really is. On top of that, he is concerned about the political situation as far as teenagers are concerned. Teens don't have a voice until they are eighteen (and they often don't care by that point), but that leaves them without representation for eighteen years. So Milo aims to change that. The book was one heck of a journey, and I definitely shed a tear at the end. In a good way.

Anyhow, I'll shut up now so you can enjoy Independence Day. I hope you hum this song as you go about your day:

From the halls of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripoli
We will fight our nation's battles
On the land as on the sea
We are first to fight for freedom
We will keep our honor clean
We are proud to claim the title
of United States Marine.

It's one of my favorites. Long live America!

Update from the Search for My Muchness:
After years of being terrified of water, I suddenly want to go boating this summer. I have never been more surprised to learn something about myself!

Merry Unbirthday to Everyone Else!

2010-06-29T11:06:00.003-06:00

It's my birthday. Today, I am Goddess. Fear me.

This woman is a prodigy: a goddess at only 22 years old!

Update from the Search for My Muchness:
I belong to the League of Oldest Children. As soon as I learn that someone is a younger child in their family, I feel protective of them. I will always be the older sister.

I used to be much more muchier

2010-06-27T19:11:00.003-06:00

Dear readers,

Have you seen my Muchness? I seem to have lost it. If you need me, I'll be spending the rest of my summer looking for it. If you don't need me (which includes most of you), you should go watch Alice in Wonderland. I'll send you updates from my search for my Muchness.

With great love and a little Jabberwocky-bashing,

Toni

In which I confess

2010-06-22T18:01:00.004-06:00

I'm just gonna say it: in the ideal world, my best friend would probably be a 13- or 14-year-old boy.

Think Sean Astin's character, Mikey, in The Goonies.

Braces and all.

Yup, we would be best buds. There is something endearing about that age when we know we are taking up the last adventures of our childhood. At that threshold of adulthood, we are holding onto our fanciful dreams and yet beginning to understand the deep and scary things of the world.

Why a boy? Because I have already gone on all the girl adventures! Hello! I had two younger sisters. We exhausted the typical list of girl-fun.

Now that I'm old (approaching the nearly-dead age of 22!), I want to be a tomboy. With my best friend, I want to do new things. I want to climb trees, play pirates, hunt dinosaurs, jump off buildings to see if I can fly. I want to be a cowboy, an Arctic explorer, a vulcanologist. I want to talk Star Wars, Transformers, Lord of the Rings--everything cool and dangerous! Golly gee, doesn't that sound like such fun?!

In the meantime, I suppose I will read about adventures and prepare myself. I'm currently sailing on the Dawn Treader with Eustace, figuring out what's wrong with the world alongside Ender, and solving perplexing mysteries with the help of Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson. It's amazing where books can take you!

I - IV

2010-06-20T19:33:00.008-06:00

I. Happy Father's Day! I was just remembering how, even though he doesn't like to read, my father has supported me through years of reading (which is especially significant now that I am pursuing it professionally--and it costs $$). When I was thirteen, he shared with me his first print edition of The Hobbit. One night, as I lay in bed reading, he burst into my room and proclaimed, "I am Gandalf!" And just like the unsuspecting Bilbo, I was swept up into a series of wonderful adventures that have yet to cease. So, thank you, Daddy!

I also inherited his squint-eyed smile!

II. I was recently in this place.

Be jealous.

There was much adventuring. Details to follow.

III. I spent this past week at the Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers conference, where I dined with famous authors, laughed with/at crazy authors, and workshopped with budding authors. It was the best thing I have done in my post-graduation career. The manuscript I am currently working on is getting more and more polished with every passing day. And thanks to inspiring words from Lovelies like Ann Dee Ellis and Ally Condie and Carol Lynch-Williams, I am training for a writing marathon. I'll share details later.

IV. I'm beginning my countdown for the midnight release of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. 172 days. And I'm totally in love with the first trailer.

In which nothing wet can stay

2010-05-31T20:37:00.004-06:00

As May 31 winds down to its last glowing hours, I would like to give a proper farewell to a fabulous month with the following poem:

Nature's first green is wet
Her hardest emerald yet
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So June will follow May
Nothing wet can stay

With a little help from Mr. Robert Frost, of course.

In the meantime: bring it, June!

The devil went down to Georgia...

2010-05-29T20:33:00.011-06:00

...and so did I! Alright, it's time to report on my trip to Atlanta! I went for the Council of Science Editors Conference, which was most informative. However, we did a lot more during our stay in the Peach State. While I was there, I compiled a list of all the cool things I saw and the unique experiences I had. Sorry the list is kinda long! I broke it up with pictures, so :P on you.

- I walked up the longest staircase in the world! Okay, maybe not, but it sure felt like it.
- I saw a mockingbird! We don't have those in the West. I also saw a cardinal--a flash of red feather in a pine.
- The view from my hotel room was amazing, and I could not get past how tall the Bank of America Plaza is!

The cityscape in a thunderstorm!

Tall buildings!

- We walked through Renaissance Park and I saw a piece of litter that looked like a page torn from a book. Upon closer inspection, it was a title page that read "Elric: The Stealer of Souls." Who is this Elric and why does he steal souls? Only in Georgia. You know, because the devil goes there to steal souls with his fiddle.
- I watched the Mary Poppins Broadway musical in the Fox Theatre, which has been made to look very antique and posh. I loved it! (Oh, and I cried all the way through the "Feed the Birds" song.)

Practically perfect in every way!

- I found horses in Atlanta! We took the Marta trains every day, and one day they took us past a field where I saw a palomino and a draft horse. Practically in the city!
- There were a lot of junkyards.
- There were also a lot of ancient trees.
- Every old house had a fantastic wrap-around porch!
- I walked past the World Trade Center - Atlanta every day.

This building makes us feel contemplative.

- I saw a lot of people with crutches and canes for some reason.
- I met a wonderful Arabic woman named Veera who now calls Tennessee home. Hello, Veera!
- I also met the nice caterer who talked to me about Georgian peaches.
- We found muscovy at the lake. Basically, it's a turkey-duck.
- There is a lot of Greek influence in Georgia. I am going to investigate this. I love Greek culture!
- I ate tomato jam. It was delicious!
- I met men from Nigeria, Bangladesh, and Brazil, and I even met Mario! Well, I met a man who looks very much like Mario. He had a great mustache.
- I learned that editors are professional idiots. We ask all the dumb questions so the readers won't have to.
- I saw the CNN building. Yes, I asked Anderson Cooper if he would marry me. No, he did not accept.

My would-be castle with the most-attractive Anderson Cooper.

- I also met a beautiful Jewish woman named Devora. She was leading a blind British man around the conference.
- I discovered that my boss loves Star Trek, which is good because so do I.
- I saw blue jays!
- I saw a gold Bentley at my super-fancy hotel.
- We played the elevator game in our hotel. I'd push the button and we'd all choose an elevator, guessing which one would open first. I failed. I am the biggest loser. My boss had the golden touch. How did she do it?
- Speaking of elevators, I rode the glass elevator all the way to the top floor. 50 floors up. Yipes!
- I saw a dragon on a rooftop.
- I saw graffiti with incorrect grammar: "The Last Days Has Begun!"
- I saw this really eerie abandoned building with the name "The Medical Arts Building." Medical arts? Sounds like a euphemism for experiments. It's totally haunted.

My favorite place was definitely the Olympics Park. I touched an Olympic torch. O glory be!

Olympic rings with birds. Perfection.

The torch!

Your highness!

Trumpets are blaring my greatness right now. I am becoming one with the Olympic spirit.

For more pictures, check out the pics I've been tagged in on Facebook!

When half-gods go

2010-05-26T23:39:00.004-06:00

Grandma's funeral was yesterday. It was beautiful. Her body rests now with the bodies of her baby, Alan, and her parents. But Grandma--the woman everyone knew and loved--is on a train, rushing off to her next adventure. According to C. S. Lewis, she is finally "beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." Those are the last words of The Chronicles of Narnia.

Glow, little magic lamppost that is my heart!
Come to think of it, Grandma does remind me a lot of Lucy.

They are beautiful, compelling final words. Taken literally, they suggest that I'm still in the prologue of my book. Or maybe even just those boring pages with the ISBN and Library of Congress information. I can't wait to see what my book says!

No, wait, I have it! I am writing the title of my book. Defining myself, my life, what my story will be about. What ingenious metaphorizing!

Anyway, I read this in Grandma's Emerson book last night:

Though thou loved her as thyself,
As a self of purer clay,
Tho' her parting dims the day,
Stealing grace from all alive,
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.

It was a perfect way to end the day in which we said good-bye to a true half-god and ushered her on toward godhood.

Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

2010-05-22T12:00:00.001-06:00

This morning we said farewell to a great woman: dear Grandma, Marlene McArthur Judkins. She led a long and noble life even though she suffered from just about every medical ailment in the book, and she passed away in comfort as she slept. Grandma leaves behind a legacy of unconditional selfless love. Her last words to me are the perfect example of that: as I was leaving the hospital to drive back to Provo on the scary freeway (my first time on Imminent Death 15--I mean Interstate 15), her eyes fluttered open and she said in her cracking voice, "Please be careful." She was dying, but all she cared about were the people around her.

While we watched Grandma's body fail, Grandpa asked me to remember her the way she was. I assured him that I have millions of memories of Grandma and this was only going to be one of them. Here are some of my other memories of Grandma, captured in photographs.

Grandma with Mom

Grandma, me in high school graduation robes, and Grandpa

Grandma (at her 50th Anniversary celebration) and her handsome brother Glen

I inherited a lot from Grandma: my Scottish vowels for which I have been relentlessly tormented (thanks, Kelli); my love affair with literature; my knack for crafting words; and, of course, my striking good looks. (The latter is so obvious, I hardly even have to say it.)

Grandma and I have kindred spirits. When I last went to her house, I found this beauty:

A bookcase full of old children's books!

Please observe the infamous Tom Sawyer. This is the 1931 edition.

Grandma married a boy just as mischievous as Tom!

Dear to my heart:

My bedtime story heritage.

But this book is my favorite. My grandma got it from her grandma who got it from her mother. It's the 1899 edition of Emerson's poems.

Complete with gold leaf and an inscription from Great-great-great-grandma.

And Emerson himself. Oh, what a handsome man.

Here are some of my favorite memories of Grandma from when I was little:

she taught me how to click my tongue
she assured me that the pressure did not mean I was exploding internally, I just had to go to the bathroom really bad
when my mom needed a break from me, Grandma invited me to stay in the Princess Room in her house (little did I know it was also The Dungeon that I stayed in when I was naughty)
she had a beautiful 1940s-era singing voice
she fed the squirrel that lived in her backyard
she drove over the curb once in a grocery store parking lot and said "Whee!" as she did it
she had a very short neck and pretended to "stretch it out" for us
she made fantastic faces (usually involving scrunching or stretching) for babies to look at
when my mom fell down the stairs (which was quite funny), Grandma dropped her walker and ran to check on her before anyone else even realized what was happening

Thanks, Grandma! I'll always remember your beauty, your grace, and the hidden kiss at the corner of your mouth!

To steal from Shakespeare (which Grandma would have appreciated): "Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet Grandma, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

"In order to prevent the abhominable effusion of blood..."

2010-05-16T16:34:00.001-06:00

Hey, y'all. I'm enjoying Atlanta, but you'll have to wait a few more days to hear about it. In other news...

Happy anniversary to Prince Caspian! Two years ago today was the premiere of Disney's Prince Caspian, a delightful adaptation of C. S. Lewis' book of the same name. I had waited for two and half years for this movie to come out. My friends and I went to the midnight showing...and had a blast!

Of course, we dressed up. I was extremely excited about the golden crown I had woven into my hair.

I have very fond memories of that night: staying up late, strangers asking to take a picture with me, gasping at all the right parts, crying at the end, etc. We were so emotional because we were so tired! And because we knew that Susan and Peter would never go back to Narnia.

Long live King Peter!

We had hope, though, because Edmund and Lucy would return in this year's Voyage of the Dawn Treader (coming out in December). Lucy has always been an adorable little light, but Edmund really had to overcome some attitude problems. He was such a brat at the beginning of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. But he almost died to save his family. And he proved to us how grown up he is in Prince Caspian. Truly Edmund the Just. Also see Witty and Wise.

Go, Edmund!

Now I look forward to the next movie. Teasers and trailers will be coming out all summer long--I can't wait to see the first one. Sometimes it's the build-up to a movie that makes the experience so much fun!

Some fond memories of the movie experience:
1. Re-creating Caspian's shoulder shimmy (see the scene where he meets the badger).
2. Running into a tree in the dark on accident...just like Caspian.
3. Caspian: "Destrier [the horse] has always served me well."
Me and Cassie simultaneously: "Yeah, except when he ran you into a tree."
4. Fighting over who the cutest boy was.
5. My dad saying, "Is that boy Susan's brother? He looks like Susan." He was talking about the strange boy in England who tries to flirt with her.
6. Rachel sending me signals with her flashlight just like Edmund.
7. Calling Katie Brandt the DLF.
8. Listening to the soundtrack on drives through the mountains with Cassie.

P.S. Props to whomever can identify the origins of the title of this post.

As a teaser

2010-05-13T23:26:00.004-06:00

Look forward to a blog post about a curious adventure in this pretty city (like the rhyme?):

In the words of my younger sister: Atlantis!
Better known to us in the real world as Atlanta.

That's right, readers, I will be in Atlanta, GA, for the weekend. I have never been as far south or as far east as Atlanta (thanks to my Wild West roots). And it is probably the biggest city I will have ever seen (thanks to my rural roots). Should be interesting (thanks to my...interesting...roots?). Wish me luck!

P.S. For those Greek mythology nerds, please notice that this picture proves that Atlanta is guarded by Artemis. What a beautiful moonrise!

How the turkey won

2010-05-07T10:31:00.004-06:00

Little kids are so amazing. I was sitting in my office in the basement of the Bean Life Science Museum this morning when I overheard a young boy walking down the hall. At the time, there was a class for elementary school students going on next door. I could hear the instructor talking about crocodiles. Then I heard this boy shout, "Oh, this is AWESOME!" He was very excited about something. I assumed it was the baby crocodile that the museum uses for the class: you know, an exotic, scary animal at your fingertips! Wah! How awesome! But then this kid surprised me. He followed up his declaration of awesomeness with this statement, "A wild turkey--how cool!" And he was dead serious.

Being a birdwatcher myself, I thought this was particularly touching. The baby crocodile amazes children because it is loudly exciting and even a little dangerous. We appreciate adrenaline in this culture. On the other hand, the wild turkey is a common bird, somewhat ugly, but still an important part of our world. It even has historical value for Americans (in an incident where it proved itself to be delicious). This quiet specimen clearly spoke at length with the boy outside my office. And his response was, "How cool!"

So, gentle reader, I turn to you. What quiet, everyday things make you think "how cool"? What things speak to you?

Of Bonnets and Steeds

2010-05-03T20:06:00.008-06:00

In May, there is one event that I never miss. It's deep in my American blood, as deep as the Fourth of July. In fact, when I bleed, I'm surprised that horses don't come running out of my veins. That is correct, gentle readers. I am talking about the Run for the Roses.

Thus.

Also thus.

I haven't missed a Derby Day since 2001 when Monarchos won with the second-best time ever, just under two minutes. This horse would have given Secretariat himself a run for his money. (No, of course horses don't really have money--it's a figure of speech. Geez.) Anyway, I keep watching in hopes of seeing the first Triple Crown winner in more than thirty years. I'm still watching and waiting. Since each race is only a few minutes long, and since either the Preakness or the Belmont (the second and third legs of the Triple Crown) always ends in disappointment, I need something to further entertain myself. Besides, we all know that I really just want another excuse to have a party. So I have instituted a tradition with my good friend Cassie. It was inspired by such beauties as these:

Wow. Just look at the way that hat wears that guy.

True Kentucky bling.

And she still smiles. Amazing.

We love the tradition of wearing garish hats (it makes the pre-race feed so much more entertaining), but we wanted to honor the origins of the tradition. So we got sun hats that are not so garish but are reserved only for Derby Day and other special occasions. Here we are, dressed up fancy, watching the Derby.

See how sunny we were pretending it was?

Jessica and me. We were practically in the stands at Churchill Downs! In fact, you should have heard us singing "My Old Kentucky Home."

Proof that we were actually watching the Derby. This is just after the race.

And I only have two things to say about the winner this year:

1) His name is Super Saver. They found him in the local grocery store.

2) These are the jockey's colors. Can you say "Star Trek"? With wings?

Congratulations to all the horses that ran this year--it was super tough in the mud. The last time I ran in the mud, I got my shoes dirty. I can only imagine the 20 horses running the Derby on Saturday did too.

And good luck to Super Saver as he pursues the Triple Crown! I know that we have come so close to having a TC winner several times in the last decade. Point Given should have had it in 2001, Smarty Jones in 2004, Barbaro in 2006 (RIP), Big Brown in 2008. But ignore the curse! It's a good omen that three of my most favorite horses of all time have names that start with S: Seabiscuit, Secretariat, and Seattle Slew. So, ssssslay that sssavage ssserpentine cursssse, Super Saver!

(Do you think it'll work?)

Caps, crowds, and chocolate cake

2010-04-24T19:10:00.004-06:00

Something rather exciting happened this week, if you would believe it. I got a cake! It was a delicious, moist chocolate cake and there is still a little bit in my fridge. Please appreciate the awesomeness of my cake.

Pure awesomeness. And some chocolate.

I like cake. I could eat it on a train. I could eat it in a plane. I could eat it in Bahrain. I also like crowds. Especially when the people in the crowd are my fans. See my fans.

Fans of my awesomeness.

It was a packed house, that's for certain. Why? For me, of course! Don't you think I'm awesome in this BYU-blue frock and constricting cap? I think that I look especially awesome and angelic in the afternoon sunlight.

Visual representation of my awesomeness.

All of this pomp and circumstance was for the arrival of my new best friend, D. Gree. D is helping me look like a real adult--all queens should have a friend like D. Gree. He's even pushing me to befriend his superior, one that he calls Master. We'll see if I can do it. In the meantime, I will just enjoy being awesome.

Coming soon to a blog post near you: my other new friends, Apollo the Champion and Clipper.

A Real Gold Medal

2010-04-16T16:44:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went to the closing social at the Freshman Academy/Freshman Mentoring office. It was depressing, unfortunate, calamitous--because this is The End! I brought home my beautiful gold nametag. Sad day.

The Nametag.

The staff gave all the leaving mentors a gold medal. It says
Freshman Mentoring
Learn
Grow
Change
Toni Pilcher
Peer Mentor
2010
Freshman Academy

Here it is, fitting in perfectly with my room.

Psychedelic picture of me wearing the medal.

One more gold medal, but a bitter-sweet win. Now I need to take its advice: Learn. Grow. Change. I was talking to my mom the other day about trials. They stretch us, push us to grow. Growth is generally associated with springtime. So, trials indicate a time for renewal and sunshine? Good enough for me!

Might one, to thy succor, endeavor to fly

2010-04-10T13:35:00.005-06:00

The president of Poland, his wife, and several military officials died in a plane crash this morning. No one on the plane survived. They were traveling to Russia for the 70th anniversary of the massacre of Polish prisoners of war during World War II. In 1940, the Russians were trying to eliminate an entire class of Polish people. In 2010, the highest officials in Poland were lost. Read this article for more information on the ramifications of the accident.

Ignacy Krasicki, an 18th century Polish patriot, wrote these words about his homeland:
O sacred love of the beloved Country,
Only good and true minds can experience you!
For thee, virulent poisons are savory;
For thee, chains and fetters are not an abuse.
Thou embellish cripples with scars of glory;
In the mind, thou dost nestle pleasures most true.
Might one, to thy succor, endeavor to fly,
'Twere nothing to live poor, 'twere nothing to die.

You might wonder what this is doing on my blog. If I'm Polish, I don't know it. However, I am interested in all things regarding World War II, especially the aftershocks that we still feel around the globe. It's amazing what seventy years can and cannot do to a planet.

9 o'clock songbird

2010-04-09T13:38:00.004-06:00

It is springtime.

Visual.

The days are almost 12 hours long. Life is in balance at the same time as it is renewing itself. What a great time of year! (Now, my bosom-buddy season is actually Winter, but Winter is the kind of bosom buddy that you can only tolerate for so long.) (Don't tell Winter that I just told you that.) As part of this season, the songbirds are officially out and about. As I am also out and about, I have learned that these songbirds have certain schedules.

Every day at 9am, I walk through the doors of the Jesse Knight Building (JKB). And every day at 9am, there is a fat robin perched on the highest branch of the tree just outside the doors of the JKB. I can hear him singing all the way across the courtyard (which constitutes a five minute walk). He is loud and he is proud and I worry that he is going to snap that little branch one of these days. But until he does, he will be my 9 o'clock songbird, heralding my entrance to the JKB.

You know what else is great about spring besides the occasional avian herald? Graduation. I have five classes left. Total. And Elder D. Todd Christofferson will be speaking at my commencement ceremony. And I will receive my degree two weeks from today. That is what is great about spring.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Provo City Library to pick up the one thing that will make this spring even better: the Anne of Green Gables DVD.

Thus:

True love, Gilbert Blythe.

New Job

2010-04-02T19:17:00.009-06:00

One of the benefits of being a graduate student at BYU is the availability of on-campus jobs. Unfortunately, my most-beloved job as a peer mentor at Freshman Academy, now called Freshman Mentoring, is only for undergraduates. I will be very very sad to say good-bye to Old FA. However, I recently got hired to work--as a graduate student--in this beautiful campus building:

Is purdy.

But if you don't know what building this is, mayhaps this will help:

Whaaa! The Monte L. Bean Life Science Museum!

You may be asking yourself, Isn't Toni a graduate student in the English program? The answer is Yes. But isn't the life science museum for life science and not English? The answer to that is also Yes.

So, what do I propose is the obvious solution?

I am an editorial assistant for the Western North American Naturalist, an academic biology journal with an office in the Bean Museum. Make sense? Basically, I'll be working with fantastic people like this:

Shasta the Liger

And this:

AKA Pumbaa

How great is that? I will likely be working with WNAN for the entirety of my graduate career. So, all both of the years I have left.

Yay!

The Rite of Passage

2010-03-28T18:48:00.004-06:00

I presented a paper at my first literary conference yesterday. It was epic, like this.

Yes, that's right. Someday, high school students will read my conference paper and analyze (or attempt to analyze) it for its literary value. At which point, it will be made into an epic movie. My life is so awesome!

Anyway, my paper was on the symbolism of water in medieval literature. And I didn't put anyone in the audience to sleep! None of the six people who were there fell asleep, though many of them had that glazed-over look in their eyes. It was a sight to make any mother proud. I feel like I have succeeded in the Rite of Passage and can now enter Graduatedom. 3 more weeks!

In the meantime, I have plenty to smile at. Mostly these pictures of my feline family:

Mrreow!

In which I set some awesome goals

2010-03-21T16:42:00.007-06:00

It is finally time for me to set goals for myself! I know, I know: you never thought this day would come. You never thought me capable. You agreed with my first-grade teacher when she said I was unorganized.

Ha! Here I am to prove you wrong! In fact, I will prove you Wrong, complete with a capital W!

My inspiration to fulfill these goals comes from horse racing. I enjoy horse racing, even though I wish they would wait to race the horses until their bones were more fully developed (R.I.P. Eight Belles and Barbaro). There is a movie you may have seen, and before the movie there was a book, and before the book there was the real thing: Seabiscuit, who is my inspiration today.

Seabiscuit was a funny-looking, lazy horse in the beginning.

As you can see, he was also short and stocky. His legs flailed out to the side when he ran.

This is what he was up against:

War Admiral aka Ridiculously Impossible Odds.

War Admiral was the favorite horse of western American racing. He was undefeated when he met Seabiscuit. Please observe his long legs and beautiful neck. He was a Paragon.

Well, they raced.

And Mr. Awkwardness came out on top! You could have fit four horses between him and War Admiral. Despite (or possibly because of) his weaknesses, Seabiscuit reached his finish line, defeating the Impossible Odds.

And so, Toni the Muse-Tiger presents her finish lines in the hopes of defeating Impossible Odds and magnifying the Light Within:

Physical
I. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week
II. Maintain my "happy weight."
III. Eat something fresh every day.
IV. Limit desserts to one per day.
V. Drink 70 oz of water/fluid every day.

Mental
I. Turn in all homework assignments on time.
II. Read all assignments at least the day before.
III. Review schedule/planner every night.
IV. Reach gold-medal status in the Literary Olympics (more details to come).
V. Go to one baseball game.
VI. Go to one theatrical production.
VII. Go to one concert.
VIII. Go to one art museum.
IX. Go to one science museum.
X. Go to one zoo.

Positive Thinking
I. Replace every negative thought with a positive one.
II. Say only good things about other people, or don't say nuthin' at all.
III. Remember what is possible in your future.

I also have several spiritual goals written down in my scriptures.

Can I do it all?!

Yes, I can.

Somewhat Related But Mostly Just Exciting

2010-03-17T17:00:00.003-06:00

The Third Book of the Hunger Games trilogy comes out August 24th! Let the Countdown to Awesomeness begin!

And no, I haven't forgotten about my goals. Come, they will.

Colorful Colorado

2010-03-13T17:14:00.004-07:00

Gentle readers, greetings from Colorado! Specifically, greetings from DIA! I have been preparing my theme goals, but in the meantime, I wanted a shout-out from the greatest state in the nation!

Toni: Say hello to everyone.
Colorado: Hello!

There you go. An awesome shout-out from an awesome place.

2010 Theme

2010-03-06T20:49:00.004-07:00

Whew! It's been a couple of amazing weeks! Apolo polished off his Olympics career with eight medals, and I scored a Personal Gold Medal: acceptance into the English MA program at BYU!!! Now that I'm in my last semester, having already achieved my gold, I need to focus and finish strong. If I never push myself, I'll never know what I can achieve.

With "pushing myself" in mind, I have decided that I need a theme for my activities and goals this year. For example, I am trying to strengthen myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I'm also trying to strike a balance between all three forces. It's tough! There are a lot of things I want to accomplish this year. And so, I unveil my Personal Theme:

Light Within

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

FAQ (mostly by myself)

Where does this light come from? Knowledge and truth--the glory of God. To me, it represents the potential that is within you.

How do I obtain knowledge and truth? Even by study and also by faith.

How do I show my True Beauty? By having a body that is clean and pure like a glass phial (Light of Earendil, anyone?). Exercise, nutrition, spiritual strength, good and positive thoughts, etc.

What will the end result be? Oh, I don't know, but probably something cool like this:

You know, I've always loved the idea of being Toni the Tiger. But a tiger made out of light? So much awesomer. Especially since Apolo is the god of light. And the leader of the Greek muses. That means that I can be his muse-tiger. Mrreow.

Coming up next: specific goals from the muse-tiger.
Sneak preview: The Literary Olympics!

Another Post? What!

2010-02-23T21:38:00.004-07:00

I have three queenly thoughts today:

1) I graduate two months from today! I cannae believe it's been four years. Or that I just used a perfectly Scottish construction.

2) Okay, so this isn't really my thought. It belongs to my Greek god-friend, Apolo. He says that life is not about seeing IF we fall or get knocked down. Rather, life is about proving that the human spirit can rise again and again WHEN we fall or get knocked down. I'll keep this in mind during the next few weeks when I'm likely to receive Major Rejection from graduate school...

3) @ Team USA: Go, fight, win! Keep Germany off the podium for a few more days! Rarr!

In which I find a ring, a car, and a Greek god

2010-02-21T20:53:00.010-07:00

It was the last day of finals last semester. Snow had fallen a few days previously, but the morning was dry and bitterly cold. What snow was still on the ground was hard as ice (which will make another appearance later in this post). My last final was scheduled at 8 a.m. So there I was, trudging along my favorite brick pathway on campus, minding my own business, when what should appear? Something shiny on a bench covered in snow.

“Sacre bleu!” I said. “Something shiny!”

The Shiny Something was hiding underneath the ice-like snow, so I had to dig with my little frozen fingers to get to it. When I finally reached it, I realized that the Shiny Something was a ring. My first thought was that I had ruined someone’s surprise proposal (as would be typical at BYU). But on second glance, it didn’t look like a wedding ring. It was fairly plain and…somewhat familiar looking.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if this ring had words written on it?” I said to myself, remembering my own replica of the One Ring that I had when I was thirteen.

Now, gentle reader, try not to be alarmed when I tell you that there was in fact writing on the ring and that it was in fact the One Ring. I found it! It came to me! It wanted to be found!

Odd? Yes. Spooky? Very yes. Ironic? Very very yes. Of all the people who could have found this discarded Shiny Something, I—one who knows the lore and still somewhat “believes” in it—found it.

And no, I’m not telling you where it is now. Just don’t be surprised if I develop wicked-awesome-superpowers in the coming months.

This wasn’t the only convenient allusion I experienced recently. Driving down the freeway with my dear friend, Cassie, I passed a semi truck carrying cars to a dealership. The last car on the top was none other than the Batmobile, completely black with authentic wing-like fixtures sprouting from the taillights. Who says that Dark Lords and Dark Knights aren’t real?

But I’ve found good things, too. Like Proponents of Light. For example, since the Paragon of Masculinity (see my post on Michael Phelps) semi-fell from grace after the 2008 Summer Olympics, I have discovered the Paragon of Charm, oddly enough a leader of Proponents of Light. You might know him better as a world-renowned American hero short-track speed skater (herein re-enters the ice from earlier [see how clever I am!]).

Sigh. Formerly known as the Greek god of wisdom and light, Apolo (who had to lose an “l” from his name in order to skate against mortals) is the reason I have not missed a day of workout since the Vancouver 2010 Olympics began. If you haven’t watched the video of his training sessions, you need to.

More on the Winter Olympics to come! According to my Greek god/personal trainer, I need to get a decent amount of sleep. My Games start now!

On Being a Queen

2010-01-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

It’s time again to report on my adventures. Faithful readers, if you would kindly notice, the name of this blog has evolved from “On Being a Princess” to “On Being a Queen.” I have spent the last year transitioning out of princesshood. Seeing as how I am twenty-one years old and single, I am now eligible to rule my own kingdom. Which mostly means that I am old enough to do everything except a) die of old age and b) rent a car. Wondrous exciting! I am also worthy of queenhood due to a recent acquisition of a ring of power. Note that it wasn’t exactly the ring I was hoping for, but more details will come in a later post. At any rate, I justify my advancement from princess to queen as such and will now ask you to consider my domain.

My castle is on BYU campus. The locals call it the Joseph F. Smith Building, but to me it is The Fortress. I love those arches in the courtyard!
My arsenal: 100+ books that no longer fit in my teensy bookshelves. Some people sleep with a gun under their pillow; I sleep with a book (or two [or three]) under mine.
My weapon of choice: pen. I put ink to paper a lot, but thank you, Jason Bourne, for proving that the pen can be used for more than just writing.
My spies: the birds. I sorely miss the company of Xander and Elaine, the falcons that nested near my castle last summer. They were so useful—even if they sometimes ate my other spies. And left pieces of their broken bodies all over the brick path. Point: I talk to the birds, they talk to me, etc, etc, and I get all the information I need to rule my domain.
My suitors (after all, every noble woman should have them if she’s single): William Shakespeare and George Eliot. Don’t tell Will that George Eliot is, in fact, a woman. I want him to think he has competition.
My subjects: ah, now we get to it. I don’t exactly have subjects as of yet. If I do, they are very transient: snowflakes that melt, trees that sleep all winter, etc. Public Relations is currently working on solving that problem.

And there you have it. Queen Toni has assumed the throne. There are many stories to tell. It has been a long journey, full of twists and turns. Stay tuned.

Kirk out.

I mean, Toni out.

The Proper Way to End a Year

2009-01-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

I will never forget that I absolutely had to end the year with a bang. And a couple of bruises and one rug burn.

I was at home over Christmas break to spend quality time with my family. So what did my mom do? That’s right. Invited the missionaries over for “dinner.” It seems to me that this is what every mother does to her single and pathetic daughter when she comes home from college. Our moms want us to have quality—and safely-monitored—interactions with young men. I think they must forget how awkward missionaries are. Not to mention that missionaries are off-limits. And very, very young.

So, the missionaries came over for New Year’s Eve. I spent most of the time hiding in the shadows playing with the cat. He has one mouse toy that he has not destroyed yet. The other ones are in his hidden stash in the basement: they are missing eyes, tails, noses, bodies, insides, credit cards, etc. Sometimes we even find pieces of mouse toys in the litterbox. But that is a whole ‘nother story. Back to me (like everything should be). So there I was, minding my own business, playing with the cat at the top of the stairs. I was wearing a nice, warm pair of fuzzy, slippery socks that I got for Christmas. The edges of the stairs were worn smooth from years of use (and a clumsy sister). Without thinking, I decided of a sudden to run away from the cat and throw the mouse toy back at him. I grabbed the railing and set my foot on the first step. And then I proceeded to slide down the entire length of the staircase, falling on my…ahem…backside at one point and eventually losing my grip on the handrail.

At the bottom of the stairs sat my parents and the missionaries, watching amusedly. My dear, sweet mother said, “Wow, honey, that was loud. Are you okay?” Like any good awkward person, I quickly stood up and quoted Achmed the Dead Terrorist (one of Jeff Dunham’s hilarious ventriloquist dummies): “I feel fine!” I looked down at my elbow. It looked back up at me. A rug burn the size of my nose screamed: “Couldn’t be any clumsier, could you?!”

A bag of ice miraculously materialized in my mother’s hand, and she placed it on my arm. It apparently did not faze her that the ice magically appeared: she never did ask where it came from. Nor did she care that the rug burn on my arm was screaming. I was a little fazed by it but chose to ignore it so as to…save face in front of the missionaries. Or something like that.

At any rate, it was a great, rainbow-tastic way to end 2008: a beet-red face, an ice-blue arm, bruised-purple cheeks (for lack of a better anatomical term), and government-issue-green one-hundred-dollar bills. Okay, so maybe I just imagined that last part.

How memorable was the last thing you did in 2008?

How to Take Offense

2008-10-09T21:07:00.002-06:00

No offense to anyone who says it, but I only take offense when people say “no offense.” The thought never crosses my mind that someone might be trying to offend me until they tag their comment with “no offense.” When they do so, I start to think, “Hey, they just said something offensive! I think I’ll take offense to that!” This might be related to my Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Look it up: it’s a real thing. And it’s pretty self-explanatory. Whenever someone issues a demand, I want to do the exact opposite. My mom had to employ reverse psychology when I was younger. She would say, “I don’t want you clean your room because then your friend Kelli will have to come over and I don’t want Kelli to come over.” I would immediately clean my room with the satisfaction of “knowing” that I was making my mom mad. In reality, I had fallen into her trap. But at least I believed that I had the control. This oppositional defiance can similarly be applied to my reaction to the tag “no offense.” The speaker is demanding that I not take offense, which in turn makes me want to take offense.

“Now, Toni,” you may say. “You started this blog post with the very two words that you are speaking out against!”

“Oh, reader,” I may reply. “I wanted you to know that my words were meant to offend you. I wanted to set my opening sentence apart as scathing words of fury. I wanted you to look inside yourself, to the core of your very being, and find that I was truly offending the essence of who you are. And when you had done so, I would have thrown back my head and laughed. Because then, I would have controlled your reaction. And I would once more have the control.”

Now, no offense, but I’m going to have to give you a moral.
Moral of the story: Don’t not give offense, for when you don’t not give offense, the other person doesn’t not take offense. Or something like that.
Moral of the moral of the story: Toni doesn’t always understand that a negative times a negative is a positive. Just follow Thumper’s rule.

The Paragon of Masculinity

2008-08-14T15:40:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, my lovely co-worker and I were discussing something (very related to work, I assure you) when we came across an interesting page on Wikipedia. The name of the article: Heracles or, as we know him in the Western World, Hercules. As we read, we discovered the interesting part, and I quote: “He was the greatest of the Greek heroes, a paragon of masculinity….” Ooh. My co-worker and I stopped. That phrase—it intrigued us. And it rolled off the tongue so nicely. Paragon of masculinity. I want one of those!

So we started throwing the words around in casual conversation. “Hey, did you see the paragon of masculinity on TV last night? Yeah, he won another gold medal in the Olympics.” Or “I think I just saw a paragon of masculinity walk past our door.” Or “I belong with a paragon of masculinity because I am a paragon of perfection.” It is now a consistent part of our vocabulary in the Freshman Academy office.

At one point, as suggested above, “the paragon of masculinity” became a title for a specific person: Michael Phelps of Olympic fame. After all, Hercules was Greek, and so are the Olympics. By right, Michael Phelps should have inherited the status of a paragon. Someday, his Wikipedia article will read, “He was the greatest of the Olympic athletes, a paragon of masculinity.” And I will be the one who wrote it.

Upon mentioning this newfound phrase to my friends, I was introduced to another fine English phrase: superfluity of naughtiness. It’s in the Bible—you should look it up. This one doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well (in fact, I have quite a difficult time saying it), but I think it can also be used to describe a paragon of masculinity. Like so: “Oh yes, Christian Bale is a paragon of masculinity with a superfluity of naughtiness.”

In the infamous words of Mulan’s grandmother in the Disney picture Mulan upon seeing such a man: “Woo! Sign me up for the next war!”

The Narrarator

2008-07-21T22:01:00.001-06:00

I distinctly remember a time when I was younger and I was convinced that the word “narrator” was actually “narrarator.” I always got upset when someone said “narrator,” including the strange British punk in George of the Jungle who said, “Are you arguing with the narrator?” Because “narrarator” was such an integral part of my childhood, I have decided to keep it alive in the form of a super-robot called The Narrarator. Of course, this is all in the fun spirit of the announcement of the new Terminator movie. I saw the preview for it at the Batman movie. It will be coming out next summer. Christian Bale is in it. Mmm…Christian Bale. My movie, the one about The Narrarator, will also be starring Christian Bale.

In other news, I am going home at the end of this week! I am very excited to see my family, my house, my Daddy’s big screen TV, and my cat. Have I told you about my cat? He purrs to me over the phone. He sends me e-mails (they don’t make any sense—but that’s how I know he helped write them). He runs in place on the new hardwood floor. He fights with the cat in the oven. Don’t worry, no animals were harmed in the making of this blog post: my cat simply sees his reflection in the oven door and tries to attack it. What else does he do—oh yeah, he attacked Santa Claus last Christmas. We woke up and found presents strewn across the living room and other clear signs of a struggle. There were tufts of fur. The candy had been knocked over. And then there was the digital camera, sitting suspiciously by the fireplace. My sisters and I picked it up and checked the pictures. The first thing on the screen was a picture of the cat’s paw coming right for the camera! Santa had managed to take a picture of his attacker. Smart man. Not smart cat. We tried to give him a name to live up to. We called him Samwise. The Brave. Anymore, he just responds to Stupid Sam.

So that is what I get to look forward to when I go home. Yup, I have an interesting life. Be jealous. Especially since Christian Bale narrarates my life story.

Moonlight Logic

2008-07-07T20:31:00.003-06:00

So, funny story (as if you didn’t already suspect it to be so). I would like to tell you the tale of how I came to believe I was dying when I woke up at 1:30 this morning. First of all, I woke up because the light in the vanity area came on, and I am extremely sensitive to light at night. Upon seeing the clock and discovering that it was 1:30a.m., I decided that one of my roommates was up. Disclaimer: understand that I have a hyperactive imagination as it is, but the hyperactivity is amplified when the sun goes down. Back to my story: as I sat up in my bed, I realized that I was feeling feverish and nauseated (note the correct form of the word!). I wondered if whichever of my roommates who was awake was also feeling sick. It’s not every night that two of us get up at the same time. I thought I was food-poisoned, but there wasn’t anything that my roommates and I had eaten together. We couldn't all be randomly food-poisoned. Then, I gasped. There was only one clear explanation in the middle of the night: we were being poisoned…by carbon monoxide. I knew that we had a carbon monoxide detector, but I deduced (with my great genius and vast intellect) that it was not functioning. And, having never before been poisoned by the gas, I had only a good guess at the symptoms: anything that involved discomfort. Besides, the only thing that my roommates and I had ingested in common was our air. That must be it, I thought to myself. What to do now? I opened both windows in my bedroom and pressed my face to the screen (that must have been an interesting sight from outside). “Air…” I gasped as I inhaled the fresh summer oxygen. As the breeze blew into my room, I started to cool down and stopped feeling so feverish. I yawned. It was now 1:40. I had lost ten precious minutes of sleep. I settled back into my pillow and got comfy again. As I drifted off to sleep, I stopped worrying about dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. Instead, I thought, “Well, at least I will die comfortable.”

Clearly, I did not die comfortable. In fact, you might be shocked to find out that I did not die at all. Later today, I discovered that my roommates had simply been up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was a coincidence that we awoke at the same time. They weren’t afraid of dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. I was quite embarrassed, yet relieved that no one had witnessed my moonlight logic. The whole disaster was all in my head. I’m starting to wonder what else is all in my head. For instance, the bogeyman that lives under my bed might not be a bogeyman at all: he’s probably just some lost creature from the black lagoon. Yep, probably.

Revenge of the Teenagehood

2008-07-02T09:27:00.005-06:00

I am officially twenty years old now. However, my teenage-ness did not want to die ungloriously. With its last surge of energy, it raised up a gihugic zit on my chin: no joke, I have never before had a blemish this large! I nicknamed it Mount Doom. The last thing I need to have on my face is a fiery, evil volcano with little hobbits running up and down it. I am starting to believe now that we, as humans, have truly been made from the dust of the earth. Earth has volcanoes, we have volcanoes, we are like the earth--there you go. I just hope this zit does not leave a scar. And I pray that my skin snaps back to its original elasticity.

Curse you, teenagehood! You have left your mark, but do not take my words lightly: you shall have your comeuppance. My face shall be avenged.

An Adventure to Appease

2008-06-27T10:57:00.004-06:00

To appease the blogging gods (who knew they were so ruthless?), I am again posting on my blog. I am about to enter a new stage of life: the tweens of the twenties. Never to be a teenager again, but not yet an adult. It’s a between-stages stage. If that is possible.

But first, let me tell you of the adventure I had this morning. As I walking around Provo with my Relief Society walking group, a rodent of unusual size attacked my dear friend, Rachel. It grabbed her by the leg and started dragging her into the dense underbrush of the Provo wilderness. As we sat on the sidewalk, panting after the encounter, a crocodile the size of a UTA bus somehow snuck up behind us. I pushed Rachel to safety in the middle of traffic on 900 East. With a wa-cha, I karate-chopped the R.O.U.S. and pulled Rachel from its toothy grasp and tried to draw the large crocodile to the duck pond where it could harmlessly prey on the many makey-outy-couples who frequent the duck pond. As I ran just barely ahead of the crocodile down 800 North, a massive lion leapt across the sidewalk and swiped the back of my leg with its terrible claws. I faltered, but I kept running. I could feel cool blood from my ankle filling my shoe. Have you ever squelched your toes in blood? It’s not a comfortable sensation. At any rate, I got to the duck pond and distracted the crocodile, who proceeded to sweep through the area and rid us of those annoying whispering-sweet-nothings do-gooders. When I got back to the walking group, no one believed my story—until I showed them my bloody sock. A hush fell over the crowd.

Moral of the story: you best have a good story when you come home limping after only walking a few miles in Provo. Oh yes, please appreciate the pure whiteness of my legs. I think only my t-shirt could be whiter.

Booboo and the Beast

2008-04-09T20:38:00.002-06:00

The other day in my history class, we were discussing the bubonic plague. Apparently, the bruises that were evidence of the plague were called "bubus." Thus we get the word used when speaking motherese to a child: booboo. When I learned the history of this term, I was shocked. It's like "Ring Around the Rosy," which also comes from the plague era. If you didn't know, the original ending was "we all fall dead," later changed to "we all fall down." I don't want my future children to remind me of the Black Plague every time they get a tiny scrape or play a childhood spinning game. I determined, therefore, that I will teach my children to say "wound" instead of "booboo." Interactions with my children will go something like this:

"Mommy, I have a wound on my finger," Junior says.

"Where, my sweet?" the beautiful mother implores.

"Right here," Junior responds.

"Oh, what happened?"

"It got caught."

"In what?"

"In Friedrich's teeth."

For anyone who recognizes that last line, you will appreciate how my life will be so much like The Sound of Music. The similarities between me and Maria are magnificent to behold. When I was an infant, my mom used to sing to me, "How do you solve a problem like--Toni?" Those closest to me can also vouch for how much I resemble Julie Andrews, especially my British accent and phenomenal singing voice. What was it I was singing the other day? Oh yes. "Part of Your World." At the top of my lungs. According to my mother, that was one of the first songs I ever learned. Ariel was my idol. . . until Beauty and the Beast came out in 1991. Then, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be like Cogsworth. How great would it be to have a clock installed in your face?! You would never be late to anything. And the way Cogsworth sticks to the master's rules--I only wish that I could be so strict.

Fear not, faithful readers. Someday, I will achieve my dream. May all your dreams come true. And may all your booboos remind you of the bubonic plague. . . until they get kissed better.

Over and out.

I can't look away

2008-04-08T17:30:00.004-06:00

This is what I am reading right now: "A full body of fur, along with an extremely physical routine, also causes Cosmo a great deal of discomfort." It's part of a yellowed newspaper clipping I have taped to my wall. The clipping is directly behind my computer, and that particular sentence is just above the monitor, as though it were pleasantly sitting there. There is also a creepy picture of Cosmo the Cougar smiling, if he can smile. His eyes, hidden beneath brows the size of my fists, are empty as he gazes out from the newspaper, his mouth hanging stupidly open in an eternal drool. He watches me whenever I am on the computer. . . and even sometimes when I'm not. I can't bring myself to take the paper down, despite its creepiness. I'm under the spell of the Cosmo.

My roommates don't know it. My roommates can't see it. They don't understand the depths of those terrible, empty eyeholes. They wonder why I sit before the computer for hours on end. I explain it away with "essays" and "Facebook stints." But the truth is with Cosmo. He won't let me leave easily. He forced me to change the "turning on" sound on my computer to the BYU fight song. He made me put a BYU football calendar on my desktop. I am. . . spellbound.

I shudder to think that there may be duplicates of this newspaper clipping out in the world, waiting for the next hapless victim to come their way. One day, there will be babies wearing his face on their pajamas, thousands will throng for a ride on top of his stone replica, books upon books will be printed with his likeness on the cover. Wait--I am informed that these things are already happening. Mark my words: the Cosmos are out to get us!